Tuesday, September 30, 2014

One Last - - M E S S A G E - - From The Democratic Party

This isn’t real. It only feels like it’s real if you get email that’s in constant fake panic mode.

I'm sick.

I am literally sick with worry. This has been the single most difficult week of our entire lives. Democracy is dangling by Her fingertips.

Earlier today, [NAME], I emailed you with a message from the President. More than 8O,OOO people listened. Did you listen? I don't think you did.

And so I've been sitting here (I think I have a fever), thinking about this final FEC deadline. I am alone in the dark. (Okay, there's one light on.)

If we don't meet the deadline, then sure, the crust of the earth won't crack in half and send us all sliding into the horrible abyss. That would be a dramatic thing to say. But people like the Koch brothers, Karl Rove, and their cronies are going to be able to DESTROY Democrats with hundreds of millions of dollars in negative attacks like we've never seen before.

Am I angry? Not with you. But I am disappointed.

We have been trying so hard. Some nights I don't sleep. I am wracked with grief. And for what?

Do you think we want to put spaces between T H E L E T T E R S in our subject lines like we both have A P H A S I A, just so you open our emails at a H I G H E R F R E Q U E N C Y?

Do you think we like using capital o's instead of zeros to beg you for that last $5OO,OOO to stop John Boehner from impeaching Barack Obama?

Do you think we enjoy PLEADING with you?

We don't. We do this because this works. We do this because it's what you want based on our rigorous study of our open rates, click rates, and rate of return (we pull a lot of all-nighters for Democracy here at HQ). We have discovered the secret to fundraising through email and it's this. If I could cut my heart open to unlearn this secret, I would.

Because, unfortunately, it's not working on you. According to our records, it doesn't look like you've had a chance to reply to Our President's inspiring call-to-action yet. So, [NAME], let me ask you this:

Look — I'll be honest with you. No matter what I do, no matter what you do, no matter what basically anyone does — even though we've raised more money doing this than ever before, and I'm talking millions and millions of dollars from emails like these — the Democrats aren't getting the House of Representatives back this year.

Life is meaningless. But don't quit on us just yet.

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